“I really wanted you to be the one for me…” Those words lingered in my head after I saw them in the text message.
That text didn’t convince me and I’m almost sure you weren’t convinced by it either. I couldn’t be what you yearned for. I couldn’t give you what you desired more than anything. I couldn’t be the one for you because I wasn’t the one for you. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to spend half of my college career trying to be what you needed. I tried to please you with everything within me but I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to be what you needed until He revealed the reason.
We try to force love sometimes…especially when our hearts and minds are consumed with the thought of being with or finding The One. Some of us lose ourselves trying to be what another desires. We then become miserable people pleasers, trying to fill the void in our lives with ways to please the one we “love” and not the One who loved us first. I left Him behind to try to be someone I couldn’t. I couldn’t be what you wanted without forsaking my first Love. I couldn’t give you my all because all of me belongs to Christ. Because I had forsaken my Lord, I became confused. Lost. I felt empty. I’m sorry that I put you before my Lord and therefore knew nothing about loving another person unconditionally. I’m sorry that I placed your opinions of me over what my God, my Creator thinks of me. He adores me and I felt burdened. He cares for me and I felt filthy. He thinks I am beautiful and I felt inadequate. I’m sorry that I got lost in the idea of being with the perfect man when I had Him all along. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you hoped for. I’m sorry that I didn’t put my Lord before you.
To my Lord…
I’m sorry, Lord, for forgetting that in You I have my very being. I’m sorry, Lord, for thinking that having You was not enough. Lord, I’m sorry for ignoring You when all you wanted to do was protect me. You’ve always covered me…even in my rebellion, and I thank You. I’m sorry, Lord, for taking my eggs from You and putting them in someone else’s basket… But I thank You for sneaking one and keeping it…only to show me later that You had me all along. Thank You for Your everlasting love that carried me through it all. I owe You everything! I’m sorry for forgetting my worth and value when I KNOW that I have been wonderfully crafted by the Almighty King. I’m sorry for placing my confidence in something that I was never promised. I’m sorry I relied on temporary things for happiness. Only You, God, can fill all of me with all that I need. I know this. I knew this…and I’m sorry. I’ll never forget it.
I haven’t lived very long but I’ve lived long enough to have had experiences that caused me to think more deeply about life. Life. What is it? Who is it lived for? What is my purpose? Those answers can be summed up into one word, or name I should say: JESUS!
I’ve lived long enough to realize that nothing else matters except Jesus and pleasing Him! Not pleasing some unworthy man in this earth that can only satisfy temporarily; not indulging in some career that will eventually end, either in death, retirement, or termination; and definitely not serving other gods! I want to be God’s Ride-or-Die!! Yep, I said it!!! To live is Christ and to die is gain anyway (Philippians 1:21) so what else matters? I want to take up my cross and suffer for the Lord! I want to do God’s will on this Earth and spread His word all over the Earth! I want to forsake all for Christ!! Am I ready? Am I prepared? Probably not but I’ve had some recent experiences that have showed me that only God can give me joy!
God is the ONLY person who is perfect and has kept me in perfect peace while I went through the motions! God is faithful and I see that more and more everyday. God forgives when we repent! I can testify to that! I turned my back on God for two years and He still welcomed me back, yet again, WITH open arms. He loves us more than we can imagine…LITERALLY!!! I am tired of having one foot in the world and one foot in God’s will when I know a God who is better than life itself! God is better than the air I breath!!! Jesus is worthy of my life and I have decided that I will live for Him. No more compromising, no more disobedience, and no more hiding who I am in Christ!
I thank God for His love, grace, mercy, peace, and joy! Happiness can’t hold a candle to God’s joy that He gives!!!! I am so thankful and I will strive to be the woman that God wants me to be. My life is Christ’s and I will strive to be perfect (Spiritually), because my heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48)
This year has been very eventful and all around wonderful for me. I’ve gained and I’ve lost. I’ve learned so much about myself and lots of other things and people. I was challenged this year, in more ways than usual, and because I had never challenged myself prior to my sophomore year in college it was rough. I’ve experienced lots of ups and downs as well as victories and defeats. I had to make very important decisions for myself that changed a lot of things in my life. Nothing was life threatening but everything was life changing…even if it was just a little bit. Everything counts! Growing as a person involves learning and being a student in just about every situation imaginable. Until we can come to grips with that fact that we don’t know everything and there is always someone wiser and more experienced, we haven’t really embodied what it means to be a learner. It is a humbling process that’ll take time to master but everyone is capable. Even the greatest leaders know that it is important to never stop learning.
I’ve been in a state of reflection for a few months now and I am truly grateful to God for all of my losses and gains. He is the reason why I have not lost my hair when I was stressed. God is the reason why I am able to be so hopeful in everything when circumstances around me don’t look good. God is truly my rock that will never crumble. There were times this year when I couldn’t understand why God continued to be there for me. I didn’t and still don’t deserve His love and grace. He is perfect and I am not. I am thankful to know such a King as He. God continues to unravel my passion and the plans He has for me in the future right before my eyes but I’ve learned that I must be obedient to reach them. After all, obedience is better than sacrifice (Proverbs 21:3). To believe Him, to trust Him, to love Him, to reverence Him and to live for Him is what my life has become…and much more. God loves all of us more than we could ever fathom but it’s up to us to choose Him over everything else. This state of reflection has been great. It was frustrating at first because I felt lost but God never fails and He answers prayer. If you ask and believe, He’ll give it to you (Matthew 21:22).
This year has showed me to not give up and to keep pushing and believing; to love and appreciate those around me like tomorrow isn’t coming. Complaining changes nothing…except it pisses people off and that’s never a good thing. Nothing is impossible when you have a God who is just waiting for you to believe and ask Him anything! I am truly thankful for this year and I am looking forward to an even better one. God is faithful and He loves like no one.
Believe in yourself and don’t let your faith waiver! Much love and peace.
Romans 15:13- Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.