Current Sentiments of my Heart

It’s difficult, you know? This life. Trying to live up to people’s standards and expectations while also trying to be your own you. Regardless of who you are, people will always expect something of you – whether to succeed or screw up; pass or fail- or have standards that you should follow. Because of what people know about you – a little or a lot – they already have a life planned, and set out for you in their minds. “She’s so sweet. She’s gonna be a teacher or a nurse or something.” “He is a horrible person. He’s gonna end up in jail somewhere.” Some folks get these comments to the face, to the heart. Other people don’t even know what is being said about them…until later in life usually. It’s pressure. So much pressure placed on one human person to “do well” according to other people’s standards. Then, when you decide to act out of the bubble that people tried to fit you in, things change. Good and bad. You find a freedom that you’ve never had. You get so many discouraging comments from people you know and don’t. You second guess your decision(s). You feel wonderful about the direction your life is going in. You feel lost. Confused, even. Almost hopeless. Then, you pull yourself up. Your dreams keep you strong. Your hard work keeps you standing. Your passion keeps you afloat. I’ve felt these things and more. I’ve fallen and picked myself up. I’ve been so utterly confused about life and my specialized path that I wanted to give up.

Forget about all the work I put in

Forget about what I’m passionate about

Forget about getting fired up for what’s right

Forget about social justice

Forget about all of it…

 

I couldn’t bring myself to continue to think this way. It hurt. It bothered me. It caused disharmony in my heart. What do I do? I don’t feel like doing anything about it. I want things handed to me. I want privilege because my life would be better then. (Sigh) “Jazmin, have you forgotten who your Father is??” I had.

When I decided to follow Christ with my whole heart and my entire life, it required exactly that: giving Him my whole heart and my entire life. I once believed that following Jesus meant going to church every Sunday, getting involved in somebody’s bible study, and praying and reading the bible sometimes. Though none of these things should be excluded, I failed to understand that it required more. Following Jesus isn’t about the works that you accomplish for Him or how good you’ve been since the last time you “messed up.” Following this Majestic King involves falling madly in love with Him and trusting His love for you. Following Jesus Christ is saying,

“Lord, all that I am is in You. I give to You my life, my will, my desires, my passions, my plans, my dreams. I trust only You with my heart- my most prized possession- oh, Lover of my soul. I will trust that in everything, You are there and You love me. I am precious to You. I am Your child and You take care of Your children.”

 

Trusting in this invisible, Holy, indescribable God is a tough thing to do, but worth it.

 

My college career took a dramatic turn when I felt lead to change my major during my senior year. It didn’t make sense to me. I had a solid plan for my life all mapped out. I was confident that I would always have the resources I needed and in my abilities to do what I was planning on doing. Then God tested me. It took approximately two years of prayer and contemplation before I changed my major. I knew that by doing this…

I would no longer have a plan

I would face some difficult times

I would be forced to trust Jesus like never before

I would have to accept God’s will for me and not my own

I would look absolutely crazy to lots of people (family, friends, and professors)

 

Heavy. But, I’ll do it. I say I trust You and now it’s time to test that I guess.

 

Little did I know that this meant lots of praying, and not praying- a product of worry and frustration-, lots of crying, lots of envy, lots of struggle, lots of second guessing. The list is very long. I felt like I was so close to hitting rock bottom. In this difficult time, I had to learn to trust the Lord of my life, Lover of my soul, and Commander of my heart. Not just trust Him with my words but my actions too. When things were really crappy, instead of complaining, I had to learn to pray. I had to learn to find comfort in His Word…His complete Word. Not just scriptures that fit my situation. I had to learn how to rest and abide in Him, for He is my hope, my Sky, my Source of Life. ❤

 

I’m currently in the heart of those difficulties mentioned above, but it is well. I do believe that. God is here and He is good, no matter what circumstance I am in. Some days I just want to cry, but on those same days God will use my roommates, my boyfriend, or His raw Word to pour His Truth into my heart, my mind. God is good. He is. He really is. God answers prayers, even the “little” ones. Believe me on this. Trust Him and let go. Give your worries to Him. He wants it all. Find rest and peace in Him, for He is the only One who can satisfy. His name is Perfect Love for a reason……… ❤  🙂

 

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