“I really wanted you to be the one for me…” Those words lingered in my head after I saw them in the text message.
That text didn’t convince me and I’m almost sure you weren’t convinced by it either. I couldn’t be what you yearned for. I couldn’t give you what you desired more than anything. I couldn’t be the one for you because I wasn’t the one for you. I’m sorry that I allowed myself to spend half of my college career trying to be what you needed. I tried to please you with everything within me but I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to be what you needed until He revealed the reason.
We try to force love sometimes…especially when our hearts and minds are consumed with the thought of being with or finding The One. Some of us lose ourselves trying to be what another desires. We then become miserable people pleasers, trying to fill the void in our lives with ways to please the one we “love” and not the One who loved us first. I left Him behind to try to be someone I couldn’t. I couldn’t be what you wanted without forsaking my first Love. I couldn’t give you my all because all of me belongs to Christ. Because I had forsaken my Lord, I became confused. Lost. I felt empty. I’m sorry that I put you before my Lord and therefore knew nothing about loving another person unconditionally. I’m sorry that I placed your opinions of me over what my God, my Creator thinks of me. He adores me and I felt burdened. He cares for me and I felt filthy. He thinks I am beautiful and I felt inadequate. I’m sorry that I got lost in the idea of being with the perfect man when I had Him all along. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you hoped for. I’m sorry that I didn’t put my Lord before you.
To my Lord…
I’m sorry, Lord, for forgetting that in You I have my very being. I’m sorry, Lord, for thinking that having You was not enough. Lord, I’m sorry for ignoring You when all you wanted to do was protect me. You’ve always covered me…even in my rebellion, and I thank You. I’m sorry, Lord, for taking my eggs from You and putting them in someone else’s basket… But I thank You for sneaking one and keeping it…only to show me later that You had me all along. Thank You for Your everlasting love that carried me through it all. I owe You everything! I’m sorry for forgetting my worth and value when I KNOW that I have been wonderfully crafted by the Almighty King. I’m sorry for placing my confidence in something that I was never promised. I’m sorry I relied on temporary things for happiness. Only You, God, can fill all of me with all that I need. I know this. I knew this…and I’m sorry. I’ll never forget it.